Wednesday, June 8, 2016

I’ve been blogging for a long time.  I started Clover ten years ago actually.  That was before blogs were cool, and also after they weren’t that cool anymore.  (I blame Facebook/Twitter and our inability to generate new ideas or read more than 140 characters without getting totally bored and overwhelmed.)

I haven’t been very prolific over the last few years - mommy blogging is definitely something that was easier to do before I went back to work full time.  I still love my little corner of the internet though. There has been a lot of life recorded at Clover, and that’s a good thing.  But my world has changed pretty dramatically over the last few months, and I needed a new space.  I’m not the same girl.  This isn’t the same life.  

I’m not going to write about what caused my separation and imminent divorce.  This project isn’t going to be about the past.  I realize that I can’t go back, so I really have no choice but to make this the best damn thing that ever happened to me.  The only way to do that is to live this dark chapter of my life with authenticity.  Easier said than done.

There’s no getting around it, my heart is broken.  Most of the time I feel like I am walking around with a hole right through me.  It is so broken that sometimes, if I am not careful, I start to believe some pretty ugly things.  I start to believe that I am not enough.  That I can never be enough.  And that I will be broken forever.  That’s the kind of crap that makes you want to start drinking vodka from a big gulp cup at 8AM, or tricks you into thinking that it’s no big deal to sit in the middle of your kitchen floor scarfing down an entire gallon of salted caramel ice cream.  

If you’ve done those kinds of things in an attempt to heal that hole right through your heart, I get it.  I really do.  I hope that if you find yourself doing those kinds of things regularly, that you will consider finding a therapist you love and trust.  (I LOVE my therapist.  LOVE HER.)  As tempting as vodka breakfast shakes sound on occasion, I am choosing to handle this heartbreak differently.  I hope, in a healthy way.  There are a ton of reasons for why I’m trying to walk through this with some grace.  The two most important are sleeping down the hall.  

So I’m going to be writing about grief, and how I’m dealing with mine.  I hope that writing about it helps me, and I think maybe it will help others too.  I know that there have been many times over the last year and a half when reading about other people’s journeys with grief have helped me get through some dark days.

That’s not all I’m going to write about.  Pretty much I’m going to write about whatever the hell I want.  But this is your heads up that it’s not always going to be funny stories about my kids, pictures of art we make, or Pinterest nails and fails.  Sometimes it’s going to be vulnerable, and sad.  I’m sure it will even be a little angry at times.  That’s life.  Real life.  And my real life is really messy right now.  

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