Monday, August 22, 2016

In two days I have to take a court ordered parenting class that will be the final step in my divorce.  All the papers are filed, and signed.  My understanding is that once the Judge sees that the class is complete she waves her magic wand, and *poof* my 17.75 year marriage to the man who I thought was my everything is dissolved.  

So.  Yeah.  

I’m in a pretty good place with this actually.  As good a place as anyone could be I think.  I’m downright happy with my life.  There’s a lot of beauty here, and in many ways I can tell that I am happier than I have been for a long time.  It’s really strange how those little realizations sneak up on you when you never thought of your marriage as an unhappy one.  Maybe I wasn’t unhappy, but I can see now against this new backdrop of happiness many times when I was lonely, or resentful, or just trying to hold things together when in hindsight they were very gradually falling apart.  

I can see that now.  It still takes my breath away though.  The way when it finally unravelled just how quickly my life as I knew it came apart.  I don’t want my ex-husband back.  I really don’t.  As painful as that admission sometimes is.  I don’t love him anymore.  

I don’t love him anymore. Wow. Don’t I? No, I don’t. I will always love who he was.  What we were.  Everything that we could have been.  But no, there is nothing like love between us anymore.  I’m working daily on showing mercy and kindness toward him, but even though we have been so intentional about remaining amicable for our kids, we’ve thrown too much salt on the ground for love to grow.  

Wow.  That’s sad.  I’m wrecking my makeup right now, and I know for certain that it’s not about him.  It’s that pesky mourning of the life we had planned.  The life I thought I was so carefully building for us and my children.  The part of this that I will never understand is how we walked away from that before we really even tried to salvage it.  It’s easy to say that maybe it was more important to me than it was to him, but I’m not sure that was true.  I just don’t get it, and I probably never will.  I guess part of my journey is to come to peace with that.  

Anyway...kind of melancholy.  But I suppose it would be strange if I wasn’t feeling that way.  

I'm overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude for having a life that once included a marriage so beautiful that it’s really hard to say goodbye to.   

Staying strong.

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