Friday, September 2, 2016

For 18 months I’ve been walking through what is easily the biggest shitstorm of my entire life, but outside of my inner circle, I haven’t talked about it much.  Lots of reasons there.  Some healthy, some probably not.  But the end result is the same.  It’s not common knowledge.  And that’s fine.  I don’t need it to be be broadcast.  But you know, it gets weird sometimes.  We’ve been separated for a year now, but people still ask me all the time how he’s doing, where he is, etc. etc.  So you end up telling people that you’re getting divorced while you’re doing things like attending back to school night or standing in line at the grocery store, which has caused at least a dozen people to burst into tears.  And then I feel personally responsible for making them feel better, which generally makes me burst into tears, and ugh.  

So yesterday I got an email from the mediator saying that the judge has signed the papers and I am officially divorced.  Mixed emotions about that for sure.  It just happened that I was having lunch with two girlfriends who have been absolute rocks for me though all of this when the email came through.  How serendipitous is that?  I am grateful for sure.  It was a momentary punch in the gut to see those words, but it didn’t take me very long to realize that it’s Ok.  I’m Ok.  I’m better than Ok, actually.  I really like my life.  And I am so proud of myself for how i have moved through this.  My kids are happy.  Our home is peaceful and secure.  I’m financially stable.  We have a lot of joy in our lives that we were intentional about creating.  I can see very clearly that my life has infinite possibilities.  So even though I’m sure I’ll always be sad about my marriage ending, it’s not my life ending.  

So I posted to Facebook saying as much.  I tried really hard to just let it be a fact.  No commentary.  No big emotional vomit.  Just, “the end of a chapter, the beginning of a new chapter.”  It was absolutely exhausting thinking about walking through another year, or month, or minute of pretending.  So I quit pretending.  I was kind of hoping that no one would comment.  What has happened instead has been incredibly humbling and overwhelming.  So many people have said kind and encouraging things.  I have a good tribe.  My life has so much joy in it.  

There were a lot of people who commented and liked the post who will remain friends with both my ex and I.  I wouldn’t want it any other way.  We are amicable.  I don’t want anyone to feel like they have to choose sides.  And I hope that the people who assign themselves more to his camp than mine understand that wishing either of us well in our journey toward healing and rebuilding isn’t disloyal.  In fact, it’s probably the most loyal thing you could do.  Our separation was sudden, and unexpected.  We’ve both been sad and angry at times.  But even so, it hasn’t been an ugly divorce. There hasn’t been a lot of blame assigned.  We worked hard at that. We both deserve to be whole and happy.  I hope there’s not anyone out there who feels otherwise.  I suppose time will tell.


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